Ready for all the advice on this topic!

Hi everyone,

I feel like I might be in this section of the community a lot!

Other than the obvious ie deep breaths, mantras, trying to walk away into a different room…how do you all manage your feelings the heat of the moment? I’m talking when your child has gone from zero to 100 in a matter of minutes and you’re utterly exhausted with nothing left in the tank?! I feel like the course is really helping me with the play element and things like catching my son being good and heaping on the praise, but managing my feelings is something I still have to work on.

Thank you in advance :slight_smile:

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I’m not sure I can help much here. I too struggle with losing my temper and staying calm. I either end up yelling at them or sitting on the floor in tears!

Although I know the breathing techniques, it’s using them in the moment that I struggle with. I think the box breathing is an easy one to remember. Maybe I just need to say to mine, I’m going to try some box breathing now to calm down as I’m cross, and then do it in front of them.

I’m also trying to remind myself that it’s not personal. Because it feels so personal a lot of the time. And that it won’t always be like this. Is that what you mean by mantras? Keen to know what else has worked for others. What do people tell themselves that helps them not lose it. And how do you remind yourself in the moment. Or catch yourself in the moment before the red mist comes down?

Thanks for starting this discussion @singlemumof1. I’m looking for help with this too x

Oh thank you so much for your reply @Mumof2 - it honestly helps me feel so much less alone when others say they struggle with losing their temper. I did it again tonight and I’m now sat here in tears because I’m so upset that I’ve messed up again. I’m so tired and he didn’t listen when I requested he stop doing something calmly and he just wouldn’t stop and I didn’t have it in me to remember all the techniques that can help in the moment.

I had forgotten about box breathing actually - it’s something I use but still often forget about it in the moment. So by mantras, yes, I mean saying things like “it won’t always be like this”, “it feels hard because it is hard”, “you can get through this” etc. Always open to hearing new mantras if anyone has any!?

Like you say @Mumof2, the main thing is how on earth do you remember these things in the heat of the moment. I’m really struggling.

Oh ladies, I hear you on this! Mantras are absolutely my go to. My faves right now are repeating “I can cope with this” over and over again in my head and another one is; “Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my child.”

Honestly, a lot of the time I just sit on the floor and really steady my breathing and like @Mumof2 says, telling them that you are doing some deep breathing to calm down is a great idea as technically, you’re teaching them a skill at the same time as trying to level yourself.

You’re doing your best - we all are xx

Hi everyone, what an amazing support network you are. These are all brilliant ideas!

I always use mantras and breathing techniques. sunshine84 I liked the mantra “There is nothing wrong with me or my child.”
I say something similar, “All parents and children go through this…This is just a moment in time, and it will pass”.
I find Box Breathing excellent because I feel the sensation of touch helps to ground me. I found the Michael Mosely video in TEMPER Common Issues – How to Regain Control and Stay Calm, where he demonstrates the breathing technique 4-2-4 very helpful and it really works!
I also do visualisations and take myself off to somewhere tranquil in my mind. Or I try to distract myself by drinking a glass of water, making a cup of tea or even doing some housework!

You are right singlemumof1 it is difficult to sometimes remember to do these in the moment but it does get easier over time. Maybe just focus on one technique to begin with. Sooner or later you will find that the tantrums are less intense, or they do not last as long, because as we change our reactions they will change their behaviour – eventually!

I have got much better over the years at spotting that moment just before an explosion is about to occur! Sometimes I am able to offer a distraction in that moment. If I am too late, I just label the emotion, “I know it’s frustrating, I can see you are annoyed…” (or something similar) then I will ignore and do my calming techniques.

What I especially like about the course is that it gets us to think about whether it is a tantrum or a meltdown and think about our child’s needs and wants in that moment. I also like that it reminds us that when we, or our children are in that heightened state of distress our logical brain is just not functioning anymore, so there is no point in trying to solve the issue or discuss the problem at that very moment. See course module TEMPER as it goes into lots of detail about improving temper and behaviours that challenge and how to stay calm.

Please remember, just as Mumof2 pointed out, that although it feels like it, it is not personal! Keep up the good work! x

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