Webinar Q&A - unanswered Qs answered here

Hello! We were bowled over by the engagement with our first webinar on Wednesday evening and had so many questions that we weren’t able to get to them all.

Our team has taken all the questions that were asked and not answered live and have answered them in the mean time here. Feel free to ask the team if you want further clarification on anything or if further questions have come up since.

And let us know what you thought of the webinar. This is a great place to continue the conversation. We want to know what you found particularly helpful (or not) and what you’d like to see us cover in April and May’s webinars.

@Parent_Coach_Mel @Dr_Clare_Bailey and @Prof_Stephen_Scott are all on here.

Ok. Here goes. Long post alert!..

:question: Q: Any tips for how to regulate myself and stop myself having my own corresponding ‘adult tantrum’ when my child is having a meltdown?
A: The fact that you are asking about regulating yourself to avoid an adult tantrum, suggests that you are already on the right path - and that you recognise that how you are feeling (exhauasted or overwhelmed yourself perhaps) has an impact on how how you manage a melt down. By anticipating your reaction, you are more able to take a step back, pause, and remain calm! However aggravating your child is being at that moment! If you have a tantrum too, it fans the flames! Instead take stock. slow things down. LISTEN quietly and quietly. Distract yourself, count to 10 backwards. In future anticipate flash points when one or both of you are tired or hungry and bring a snack, or cut short shopping. By doing this , you are modelling to your child how to stay calm, and this a great way to learn!

:question: Q: Does the 10 mins a day of child-led play need to be with the same parent every day or can you alternate?
A: It is ok to alternate the play if that fits best with your family life. As long as your child is getting some dedicated quality play a-day with one parent. It does take a lot of energy to be fully immersed and focussed on praise and encouragement, so 10-15 minutes a day is enough.

:question:Q: I’ve heard before that it’s good to talk about your child in their earshot and praise them, for example saying things like ‘Chloe is really good at listening’ or ‘she’s good at helping people’ Do you think this is a good strategy?
A: Yes from time to time this strategy helps. It can make the child feel a greater sense of self-confidence. However, direct praise specify what it is you are pleased with “thank you Chloe for being so helpful” et cetera is the bedrock and will sink in deep down over time.

:question: Q: How do we make sure that when we give a command to our child that we dont undermine the other parent? Ive had experiences when i’ve asked my child to do something and its undermined what my wife has told them
A: That can be so frustrating, and it muddies the water when you are trying to give a clear instruction to your child. And if you start arguing in front of your child it is not only upsetting for your child, it also confusing and distracts from the issue. No parents agree on everything, it is important to try to support the partner even if you you are not quite in agreement. Then have a discussion behind closed doors to negotiate the important issues. You might agree some house rules and display them.

:question: Q: how can I help my 7 year-old son to self regulate. Currently temper tantrums routinely flare up and go on for ages eg 45 minutes, with lots of shouting (from him) and tears, and he only calms down when I approach him, with lots of coaxing, but he seems to be unable to bring himself out of the mood.
A: This certainly is a long time for a tantrum. Assuming that you have applied a consequence for misbehaviour, one thing to try is ignoring the shouting and screaming and trying to engage him into something else, perhaps getting out his favourite toy and starting to play with it yourself and describe what you’re doing and asking questions about it. This can often distract children away from their moodiness.

:question:Q: How can I prevent the instructions continuously ending up with getting to a ‘threat’ stage (take computer away) for my children to actually DO as I ask??
A: During a separate calm time, you may need to discuss this problem with your child and try to problem solve together. Set your consequences in advance, ensure your child knows what they are. Before screen time remind your child how long they have, use a timer or clock as a prompt. Remind them when they have 10, then 5 minutes left. Stay calm. Do acknowledge their feelings but stick to your boundary and follow through with the consequence if needed. (See Screen time guide here)

:question:Q: I find myself nagging my 3 year old not to do something, mostly because its dangerous, but he just finds it hilarious and just ignores me. How do I speak or explain so he stops and understands importance of being kind?
A: Obviously the first thing to do is intervene, often physically by taking him away from the danger. If you can do this through actions and not words, then he will not be getting enjoyable attention from winding you up! Quietly picking up and removing him from the risky situation without saying anything and then engaging his attention on something else often works. I’m not sure how the issue of the importance of being kind fits in, that seems a different concept and often it is good to praise him when he’s being kind to other people.

:question:Q: How do you specifically manage when your child does constantly push for extra time - eg extra 5 minutes watching tv or on their tablet
A: It is ok to give them extra time every now and again as a spontaneous reward, but if you find that your child is trying to negotiate every day you may wish to put an incentive system in place. Depending on your child’s age you may ask them to do something to earn extra time e.g. 10 minutes extra spelling or reading practice or helping in the kitchen. Your child must carry out the responsibility sometime before their screen time. If you try this, ensure that you do not use the removal of screen time as a consequence because it may become difficult to monitor.

:question: Q: What do you think about using timing to some activities with an alarm at the end? Will the child not learn that there should be an end to activities and respect it as he only “works” with the alarm?
A: This is a very good idea. And actually giving them a five minute warning before the time is up also helps. But it is essential to follow through by picking up the toys/turning off the tablet et cetera. But no, there is no risk that they will only stop when there is an alarm they will get into a good habit of knowing that time is up. You can put a large clock in the room and point to where the big hand will be when it is time to stop.

:question: Q: How can one deal with having to ask for the same thing repeatedly - a lack of focus on the child’s part or something else?
A: Perhaps try these tips first. Remain as calm as possible when you are giving your instruction. Use a warm tone of voice and neutral body language. Use your child’s name and get eye contact and give them time to process. Keep your instruction as brief but clear as possible. “Clare, please put the bricks in the box.” No need for a detailed explanation. Younger children still may need some support and prompts. Lots of praise once they have complied.

:question: Q: What can you do to help a 9yo child who wakes up every night and won’t go back to sleep without a parent in their room? Or is that the subject for a whole other webinar?!
A: Helping your 9 year child to get back to sleep when they wake in the night is quite common. Try to find out what is waking them. Are they scared of a wolf under the bed, are they upset or worried about something, are they hungry - there are numerous reasons. Is your child used to you being in the room when they go to sleep? and then when they wake, they can’t settle without you. There may be some separation anxiety. Gently reassuring them and calmlly setting them back to their own bed is the aim. It may take multiple attempts, but usuually when consistent they settle. You can sit nearby if you wish and gradually move away and out of the room, and it takes a bit of patience and persistence.

:question: Q: I’m a single mum and work full time. By the time I get home and do dinner I get about an hour with my little girl (3) she won’t go to bed when it’s bed time. I know it’s because she hasn’t had much time with me as she is better at night. What can I do to help with bedtime?
A: It is lovely that you are making space to have quality time with your little girl when you are back from work, but it is also important for their development to get enough sleep. Now that your little girl is 3 , perhaps you can bring that quality time earlier in the evening and cook and eat together. She will love the attention, and feel very grown up and important and part of the team. There is evidence that there are benefits for even young children having small jobs, including cooking, feeling grown up and it helps build close relationships too.

Thank you all so much for such wonderful questions. If you have more to add, please add to the discussion below.

We look forward to seeing you at the next webinar (details to follow but date is 25th April at 19.30)

:hugs:

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Thank you. This is helpful. Great webinar :+1:

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Thanks so much for sharing the questions you didn’t get to - so helpful to read afterwards. Great webinar and looking forward to the next!

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Fabulous, thank you. I’ll be taking the answer about regulating yourself into my weekend :star_struck:

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Brill, thank you so much :sun_with_face:

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So pleased these tips are here for me to refer back to. Thanks for a really helpful webinar :heart:

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Very useful webinar and answers here, looking forward to the next one at the end of April

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